The Balancing Act by Sakura Oddie
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| Sakura Oddie |
Starting out my adult life as an unexpected teen mum was never going to make life easy. But it did help me develop resourcefulness and resilience. I completed a degree as a mature age student and post grad studies whilst working and raising my family. Now, I work full time in a job I am passionate about, have an after-hours business, am involved in a number of not-for-profits and am always dabbling in further studies. But most importantly, I have a husband and three children who need and love me.
Am I pulled in many directions? Yes! Am I finding a work life balance? Happily, a big resounding, YES! Here are my seven golden rules to finding and maintaining balance in this busy life:
1. Know what’s important
Be really clear about what’s important to you. I worked out very early on that my family, my faith, my work, my community and my personal wellbeing were the things that I valued most. Ensuring that all five areas were being simultaneously nurtured is not always easy. The ebb and flow of parenting requires a fluid approach, but keeping your priorities at top of mind will ensure that you can choose to spend your time on activities which are aligned with the things you value most.
The ebb and flow of parenting requires a fluid approach
2. Know what you realistically can do with what you have
You only have 24 hours in each day. What you can achieve on any given day will differ during the various phases of your life. With a newborn, she’s most likely your number one demander of time. When your youngest begins school, life takes a new turn and you may have more time to dedicate to different activities. Living with teenagers sees yet another shift. And life in general demands different things from us all.
Take some time out to work out what is most important to you and your family during this present phase. No-one else can work out how your priorities can be balanced with your current resources – time, dollars and capabilities. Being realistic about your current status provides a solid platform to choose how to best spend your time right now. Also – and perhaps most importantly – it gives you permission to say no to those things that don’t fit. At first, it can be uncomfortable saying no to things that you’ve otherwise just let happen, but once you realise the benefit of keeping your priorities where they belong, it becomes much easier.
Revisit this space regularly. Your balance of resources will change over time. Annually, I identify my big picture priorities for the year. Setting quarterly, monthly, weekly and daily priorities is also useful – it only takes a few minutes each morning to think of the things you wish to achieve in your day.
3. Focus
Once clear on your current priorities, decide in advance how much time you can offer to each and give them your full attention when they are in front of you. Organise yourself so you can give full focus to what you are doing. By delineating your activities, rather than trying to do them all in a merged and muddy way, you’re ability to find balance without developing resentment is far greater.
Multitasking is not all it’s made out to be. As a parent, spouse, professional and friend, there is always lots to think about and lots to do. There was a time when multitasking was the buzzword but contemporary neuroscience shows that our brains can only multitask when some of those tasks are done on autopilot (ie do not require ‘thinking’!). Changing a nappy or hanging out the washing whilst talking on the phone or singing nursery rhymes with your child can be managed, but having a meaningful discussion with Miss 13 about her body image or latest crush cannot really be done whilst writing an article for a professional journal. These are important issues (especially the crush!) and to do them justice, they require your full attention and focus.
Multitasking is not all it’s made out to beWhilst studying, I worked solidly from school drop off to pick up time – this was my working day and I was very strict about refusing distractions. Also working part time, this discipline meant that when my kids were at home I could close the door on my study/work and dedicate that part of my day to them, fulfilling this priority. During their high school years, I completed my post-grad studies while they also studied in the evenings. Choosing carefully how and when to focus your attention is imperative to finding a balance that works for both you and your family.
That said, killing two (or more) birds with one stone is different to multitasking. For example, going on a regular bushwalk with family friends could see you overlaying a number of priorities: spending time with your family; exposing your children to the great outdoors; teaching them to value nature; socialising with the friends you keep meaning to find time for; preparing delicious, nutritious picnics with the help of your children; getting exercise; and creating an opportunity to celebrate your achievements. Ebb and flow. Find what works for you, your family and your professional commitments.
4. Communicate with your significant others
Understanding your own needs is one thing. Communicating these to others is just as important: your spouse, your children and your managers. Before you take on something new, make sure you get the green light all round. Weigh up your potential commitment with consideration of (i) what’s important to you and (ii) the time and resources you have available – then talk to the people who may be affected.
Before starting my post-grad studies, I made sure I understood what the extra commitment would demand of me and the benefit it would provide. I checked in with my husband to ensure he was happy – as he would need to pull a little more weight especially around exam times. I spoke with my manager and negotiated a more flexible work arrangement during semester times. I talked to my kids, who respected my focused study time. I also worded up my friends and extended family, they knew that during semesters they weren’t to tempt me with distractions! When exam stresses were at their worst, I could gently remind them of those conversations, let them know how grateful I was for their support – and promise some post-exam celebrations!
5. Share the load
Your family and friends rely on you to be there for them. Equally, you should accept help when it’s offered and not be too shy to ask for it when you need it – just be sure to show your gratitude. When you are interstate at a conference, a meal dropped at your doorstep will be most gratefully received by hubby, who’s trying to complete that proposal from home because he’s had to leave work early for the third day to pick up the kids from school…
Your family and friends rely on you to be there for them. Equally, you should accept help when it’s offered and not be too shy to ask for it when you need itAlso, teach your children from an early age to take responsibility for things. Give them tasks to own, that fit with their age and capabilities. Help them to learn how to make decisions by letting them do things – and don’t be afraid to allow them to make mistakes as they learn. A little bit of patience and effort in early stages will have you all reaping rewards later. Their self esteem and resilience is strengthened as they learn to take responsibility and develop problem solving skills – this translates to an interdependent household who work together and look out for one other. They benefit, you benefit, their friends and future spouses benefit.
6. Celebrate often
Make sure you celebrate your activities as a family, often! Celebrating ensures that everyone feels appreciated and helps maintain perspective of why you are spending your precious time doing what you’re doing. Have fun with your celebrations, take turns in deciding how to celebrate and be creative – you don’t have to spend lots of money. Gather them round and formally launch a framed happy snap of that recent special event – do it with a toast (juice in a plastic champagne glass will do!). Or try out that new waffle recipe and shake everyone out of bed on Sunday morning to celebrate the beginning (or end!) of school holidays. Punctuate your year with regular family activities where you come together to reflect and congratulate each other for what has been achieved. They are worth it, and so are you!
7. Keep an eye on where you’re headed, but live in the now
Celebrating past and present wins is important, but equally important is lifting your eyes to the horizon and making sure that your time is spent heading in the right direction. Be aware that as you move through life, the goals that once seemed a long way off will get closer, and when reached your horizons will change. Know that study, work and career opportunities will always be there for you, but your children’s early years are fleeting.
Your toddler will have his first day at school. Your teenager will one day leave the nest. Plan for the future but don’t ever forget that the present is the greatest gift –remember to enjoy your family’s life stage for what it offers right now. Once past, it can never be regained.
Plan for the future but don’t ever forget that the present is the greatest giftHaving an extra 72 hours each day (at least!) would be wonderful! But, you have to make the most with the 24 hours that you, and everyone else on the planet, is given. By understanding what’s important, doing what you can with what you have, supporting and being supported by those close to you, you will be well equipped to stay balanced on the tightrope of life – just don’t forget to smell those roses when they’re in bloom.
That said, with every dawn, there’s bound to be a new challenge. Potential chaos and mayhem is just around every corner… But, life is not always about having blue skies. It’s about knowing how best to enjoy the seasons.
Bio: Sakura Oddie (BCom, CPA, ICF) is founder of emanate, an after-hours coaching and mentoring business focusing on career and leadership development. She is also Chair of Brave Foundation: from unplanned and teen pregnancy to happy, healthy and skilled families, an organisation devoted to transitioning unexpectant parents-to-be to confidently and competently step into their parenting roles www.bravefoundation.org.au. During business hours, Sakura manages the benchmarking project for Tasmania Together, a 20 year community plan that outlines the social, environmental and economic goals that Tasmanians are striving towards, for themselves and their children www.tasmaniatogether.com.au. Sakura is Treasurer Elect for the Tasmanian Branch of the International Coaching Federation, sits on the Social Policy Advisory Council for Volunteering Tasmania and is a member of the Tasmanian Statistical Advisory Committee. Sakura is married and proud mother of three young adults. She resides in Hobart, Tasmania, but works with clients across the nation. You may connect with her at @SakuraOddieLinks
Note: This post was originally posted in SuperParents June 14, 2011
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